Simplicity

Sitting alone in silence restores my soul. It gives me a clear head for the whole day, even if I only sit for a few minutes.

The Lord has been teaching me about my speech recently. I have found that the level of discernment God requires of simple daily speech is far greater than I ever thought. I recently had to resolve an issue with a close friend, and was instructed to confront her. When I did I was supposed to confront on very specific issues. Because those issues were so well received and easily rectified, I thought, I'll just keep going! I listed the small things that had bothered me as well, and elaborated as to why. My friend was immediately offended and we had to spend another couple of hours dissecting the conversation and in the end, because of my error, I actually had to apologize as well.

There are critical moments in my day when I know that what I choose to say, how I choose to say it, and even how long I pause in between phrases will communicate love or judgement. The Lord definitely cares about our speech. Ultimately we cannot truly communicate love without the grace of God. 

Simplicity

From a very young age, I have been taught that "things" don't matter. But I constantly heard my mother complaining about money and bills and regularly heard her saying "We have no money". But we did. Things seemed scary financially all the time.

I was taught to save everything. My grandmother grew up during the great depression and her father had a severe anxiety disorder and wouldn't work the few jobs he could get, so she was among the most poor during the most desolate time our country has ever seen. She had one or two outfits and dirt floors, so she saved literally everything. Sometimes my great-grandmother would be petitioned by the only class of people more economically strained than her, the poorest of the poor African-Americans  in the community. She would part with rags, so that they could have something. I cannot fathom this kind of living, so I do not in any way blame my grandmother. That having been said, the fact of the matter is, that at this point there is no need for her to be saving in foil and plastic baggies, but she does. And she always will because of her upbringing. My mother adopted these behaviors and I have made a lot of progress in simplifying my life by not hoarding every little thing.

My struggle has been in the purchasing of items. In a culture where nearly everything is purchases on credit, it is very easy to slip into the "bill-me-later" mentality.
I have fasted shopping, and simplified even more in order to conquer compulsive shopping tendencies. I feel that I have made a lot of headway in that area as well.
Currently my biggest challenge to living in the most free way possible is the pressures of fashion.

I have a lot of fear of man in this area. I feel that if I don't wear clothes that both flatter my body and express that I know what current fashions are and know which work the best for me, that I will come off as less intelligent or socially acceptable. Or, lets just say it, less pretty.

I used to be very carefree in this area. I wore tee shirt and shorts everyday with the same pair of sneakers, threw a bandanna in my hair and I was ready to go. No makeup, no sweaters, scarves, or jewelry... I was also 12 years old.

Things have changed since then, but not totally for the worse. I have greatly enjoyed getting in touch with my feminine side through experimenting with various colors, textures, accessories, skirts, dresses, and blouses. The way I dress has become a great creative outlet for me. and something that I can find delight and pleasure in planning and wearing. There is a fine line between selfish indulgence, and expression through fashion. I also know that it can be intimidating for some individuals who are not so fashionably enclined, when they meet somone who is. The last thing I want is to make someone feel that I am better than they are because of how I dress. A rule of thumb I use that helps me feel freedom in fashion is that I can do without anything. As much as I scrutinize and shop for every article of clothing or accessory, I also freely give away all that I have. I am constantly filling bags for the salvation army or welcoming friends to help themselves to my wardrobe. I almost never say no when a friend expresses interest in borrowing or keeping an article of clothing or jewelry. I often when complimented on something will say "You like it? Do you want it?". I think it's important to freely give in this way.

Ways in which I can improve: online shopping makes me feel like I need more than I actually do, and I tend to begin to think about buying certain items in moments when I wish my thoughts weren't dwelling on such things. So this has to do. I actually don't do it that much anymore, but I don't really need to do it at all.

Buying items that I will wear frequently, until they are worn out, would be good for me. This would be a refreshing change in the "disposable clothing" mentality I often fight.

I need to give less power to designers. Gucci and Prada should not be a part of my thoughts throughout the day. Enough of that!

I need to stop striving for an income and would be suitable to higher end items. I will not be pursuing a career for my ability to shop nor will I be working towards a degree for a label on a handbag. I need to die to the idea that I am worthy of a great income. The truth is God will provide all that I need and more. He will give me the desires of my heart. 

Remembering

I felt excited for John to come and see me every time I expected him. The anticipation was like nothing I had ever experienced before.

I waited for him by the door. I tried to play it like I was calm and collected but my insides were dancing, I felt like I could do anything as I waited by the window.

He made me feel like I was the most special woman in the world. Girl. I was a girl.
If I played the part, he responded. I was the pretty young girl waiting for my guy. I was full of laugher and smiles, I never complained or stated my opinion. I was there for sex. I was there for him. I was there to be someone who didn't exist.

I learned to dissapear through pretending to be what the man I was seeing wanted me to be. He was happy and I was glad I didn't have to be myself. I was accepted and loved as this other women. Talk about performing!

Fog

Every so often I begin to feel a deep sorrow. It begins in the back of my head and slowly floods my body until I feel weak and defeated. I begin to have "What if..." thoughts and "I'm afraid of..." thoughts.
Some people feel this way all of the time and call it depression. I only feel this way every so often, and I call it mourning. If I categorize it as something biblical, then when I feel sad I don't also have to feel guilty about feeling sad (which is altogether exhausting and overwhelming).

Even now I am coming up with reasons why I feel sad. I didn't go to church to worship as many times as I "should have" this week. I have depleted my spiritual bank of blessing. Or perhaps God doesn't feel lobed by me because I haven't been praying "I love you" prayers as much.  That is rediculous. I'm confident that I don't have the power to make God feel anything bad. Or do I?

In these dark hours, I want so badly to indulge. To drink, smoke, and make love. To be with those who also indulge and will take me with them. Rebelling feels so tempting, and holds the promises of what I currently lack.

Performance

Just when I thought I was doing great, I read the performance chapter in "Transforming the Inner Man". I'm only part way through, and I am hurt, and feeling like the biggest faker ever. I also feel that I have been serving Satan a bit more than I am okay with. 


When I was small I remember hearing. "Don't be such a sour puss" or "If you can't smile, leave the table" . I also remember having a bad time on a family vacation or day trip and my mom would tell me later that I had a great time, because I smiled. I was faking it! I was smiling because if I didn't she would treat me differently. I was not allowed to be dissatisfied or upset as a child because that's not what "we do". Now when I'm having a bad time, I pretend like I'm having a good time, and sometimes I confuse myself in the process of all of this hiding and lying. 


If I am not doing better than I feel I "should" now in school, musically, physically, emotionally, spiritually, or inter personally. I feel like I'm not loved. I also feel that it is my own fault that I don't feel loved. 


If I dropped out of school tomorrow, I would receive far less affection from my family than I do now. The love I feel from my family is contingent on where I go to school, how well I do, how low my weight is, and whether or not I get married. This sucks. I also tend to feel that I must earn all of these things. Which, God has clearly spoken to me about on many occasions. He has said "I am in charge". "You are not going to earn a husband". He has also made me promises in all of these areas. But I feel that if He changed his mind in blessing me, or I stopped trying as hard, that I would lose love and security. This viewpoint maybe reinforced by the culture... people who are thin, educated, and married seem to be the happiest to me. Or perhaps I see that because those are what I hold in high esteem. This is overwhelming and confusing.