Performance

Just when I thought I was doing great, I read the performance chapter in "Transforming the Inner Man". I'm only part way through, and I am hurt, and feeling like the biggest faker ever. I also feel that I have been serving Satan a bit more than I am okay with. 


When I was small I remember hearing. "Don't be such a sour puss" or "If you can't smile, leave the table" . I also remember having a bad time on a family vacation or day trip and my mom would tell me later that I had a great time, because I smiled. I was faking it! I was smiling because if I didn't she would treat me differently. I was not allowed to be dissatisfied or upset as a child because that's not what "we do". Now when I'm having a bad time, I pretend like I'm having a good time, and sometimes I confuse myself in the process of all of this hiding and lying. 


If I am not doing better than I feel I "should" now in school, musically, physically, emotionally, spiritually, or inter personally. I feel like I'm not loved. I also feel that it is my own fault that I don't feel loved. 


If I dropped out of school tomorrow, I would receive far less affection from my family than I do now. The love I feel from my family is contingent on where I go to school, how well I do, how low my weight is, and whether or not I get married. This sucks. I also tend to feel that I must earn all of these things. Which, God has clearly spoken to me about on many occasions. He has said "I am in charge". "You are not going to earn a husband". He has also made me promises in all of these areas. But I feel that if He changed his mind in blessing me, or I stopped trying as hard, that I would lose love and security. This viewpoint maybe reinforced by the culture... people who are thin, educated, and married seem to be the happiest to me. Or perhaps I see that because those are what I hold in high esteem. This is overwhelming and confusing.