My Spirit Must Speak

This is a freewrite for my spirit...

          ~there is a stirring in me. everything is changing. my hopes are strong, and my feet are firm. the past is coming into a clearing, where it will be butchered, and laid upon the alter of the Lord. I have put to death what those who have come before me could not. I have said yes, where my generations have said no. There will be no more foot hold. The strong ways of the enemy have been weaked by my faith. God is my rock. He makes me still to listen. He puts a fire in my belly and rivers flow from my mouth. 

All day long the songs of the Lord, Most, High, are in my spirit. They flow out in abundance. I obey Him. I obey God, He will deliver me. He is faithful. The fools who lie in the street, and make their houses in the city of sin and  greed, are falling now quickly. The justice of my God is at hand. he will bring swift release to the meek and the poor. He is coming, He is coming. We are like the weeds, like the grass that fades. Soon will be the day when God raises us from these low places. He will set me free! I know this:

The battle is fought, and it is won.

I must claim the victory.

I must step into the truth that His ways have won.

He has fought for me. Like a husband for his beloved bride.

I will find my rest in this thought.

Gratfully I bless the Lord. I ask for his ways to increase. I give my life for naught, if I cannot dwell in my father's house. He has raised my heart, and lifted me up.

Full of mercy, my father waited patiently for me.

Full of love he sat with me in the darkness and paid the ransom for my evil ways. Inherited or taken up for the first time, the wickedness was written in my name. 

Now there is no trace of it.

As far as the heavens from the earth. Deeper than the ocean, far as far can be, to it's essence. He knows not who I was. But he sees me now, as the rightfully true daughter. I belong to the Lord, I am his. He sought me. He dwelt with my darkness in the grave, 

In the wilderness I ached and shook,

 He held me in his arms and interceded for me

My pain was his wound

My wrong was his blood

My ache was his death

My life is his 

My joy belongs to the Lord

Be cried out it is finished. 

The enemy fell at my feet. Armies that had been welcomed at every side. Whereever I turned my head, felt hopeless and overwhelmed. But at the moment he died... These few... these weak creatures of the earth fell at my feet. The fear was washed away like the sand on the shore. As swift as it came, so it ceased to exist. 

My battle is won. 

At school, when I have tests, and pressure to perform. When balance seems impossible.

At home, with the anger, and sorrow, with constant pain, and exhaustion. The battle is won.

In my head, with temptations, and frustrations, the battle is won

beneath the core of what I know, and when I worry and tremble. The battle is won.

This truth is the freedom from all stress, worry, and fear

It is the release of the gift God provides to increase joy, peace, and the ability to give and recieve love. How lucky am I ? How blessed? to know these ways, and these secrets. 

Thank you to my God, most high. The wisest above all men. You take me away.

Great are the ways of the Lord, and worthy of my praise. He is my maker, and my husband. ~

Guidance

I need more accountability and Guidance in my life. I'm grateful that the Leadership school includes a mentor component.

I've been asking the Lord to continue putting people in my life who can minister to me, as well as accept my prayers and support. He's been placing people in my path. It's been great.

My first meeting with my mentor is tomorrow. I can't wait!

A Time to Speak and A Time to Be Silent

It makes a lot of sense that we cannot always help others. The text put into words what I have felt only emotionally about coming to the aid of others who are struggling with sin. How can I be filled with compassion and understanding if I have no point of reference and do not understand? There is little more offensive than someone coming alongside you to tell you what you are doing is wrong, when they have no idea how you struggle, or that you struggle!

This truth also takes much of the pressure off. It simply isn't my job to be concerned with the sins of others that do not concern me. Where I have no reference to offer, no victory to share, no experience to go off of, I am probably not called to call out.

If more Christians did this, we just might rid ourselves of the reputation of judging and living as hypocrites.

Standing Correction

I really appreciated the clear cut instructions on what we are to do when another sees it as their place to give us instruction, correction, or suggestion.
1. Be Gentle... this is huge! Our first reaction is to clam up and yell. Or completely shut down and get angry. I have trouble just being cognizant of my face when someone is saying something that could moderately be interpreted as offensive. We want so badly to disagree, to shout aloud, "You are wrong!", the very last instinct is to be gentle, and approachable, and to listen.
2. Agree... Agreement is a powerful tool in any situation, and I think almost the needed step to controlling behavior and later instinct when facing criticism.
3.Gratitude... thanking someone for criticism... extraordinary... I don't need to expound.
4. Asking for prayer... Icing on the humble cake of this whole interaction, in the face of hurt or pain of what must be changed.

I think I will have to practice implementing these one by one. All at once seems a bit overwhelming. 

Bitter Roots

I have worked for many years at spotting, digging up, and dealing with bitter roots. My disatisfaction with the fruits in my life has been all the incentive I need to completely release and chase after freedom by not only giving up comfort and forgiving and repenting, but running after find new places constantly for which I can be healed and forgive. I am so hungry for more, all of the time.
Currently I have been praying about my relationship with my mother, and the Lord has shown me many ways in which I have been extremely judgmental towards her. It astonishes me that no matter how long I am in the business of forgiving and repenting of judgement against those I love, I almost daily become aware of another disgusting way I have been judging, nearly daily. I think to myself "I can't believe I thought that. Yuck!" Yet tomorrow there is another one. I look forward to the day when I search my heart, and there is a lack of "yuck".

One way that such a heightened awareness of bitter roots can harm is that I see them in others and want to 'diagnose'. I am constantly testing my abilities to connect the dots between childhood wounding and current life problems, that I get bored with just my own, and turn my eye to my mother, brother, sister, grandfather, etc... I never say these thoughts aloud, thank God! But, I do think, "O, that's why you act angry when I say that. You didn't feel loved by so and so..." I think it's a good skill to have, but I think it's a dangerous sort of information to have about others. It can lead to more judgement if I'm not careful.

I find it remarkable how many people are totally unaware of the bitter roots that govern the pain in their lives. Further, those who are capable of knowing, and in some cases do know, choose not to deal with these places. Fear drives them back to their lives of pain and frustration. I wish there were a way to make all of this more appealing, and create a safer more loving way to usher the masses into freedom. I guess the problem is it's a heart level exchange, and when your heart is hard, there is little an outsider can do, but pray.

Confession

Confession is one aspect of my faith that I have always highly valued. I have personally experienced a lot of freedom through confessing my sins to a trusted few. The true life that forgiveness brings can only be found in its fullness through confession of sins to others. This is a sort of accountability. I need more accountability in my life. I need more strong men and women who will call me up instead of the reverse. It seems I am constantly ministering to others, which I love, but I need to be invested in and held accountable, as much as I can invest and hold others accountable.

The release of forgiveness to ourselves, God, and others is perhaps the single most freedom giving task gifted to humanity. Nothing in my life has bound me more or tighter than the forgiveness of sins.
The redemption found in living in a place of forgiveness when I have wronged another is a deep blessing. A river of love stirs up in my heart at the thought of such things.

Struggle and Strife

Well it has become abundantly clear that I can no longer indulge my performance oriented behavoirs and succeed in all that I am doing... My compulsive need to sit with sticky notes, highlighters, and a pen while reading has seen its last days. I now limit myself to one highlighter. The need to do everything to the very best of my ability, thoroughly, and "right" is slowly being put to death in me. The requirements to complete good works do not include completion void of all other tasks. There will always be something I can do to improve performance, that doesn't mean I need to implement it. 

Simplicity

Sitting alone in silence restores my soul. It gives me a clear head for the whole day, even if I only sit for a few minutes.

The Lord has been teaching me about my speech recently. I have found that the level of discernment God requires of simple daily speech is far greater than I ever thought. I recently had to resolve an issue with a close friend, and was instructed to confront her. When I did I was supposed to confront on very specific issues. Because those issues were so well received and easily rectified, I thought, I'll just keep going! I listed the small things that had bothered me as well, and elaborated as to why. My friend was immediately offended and we had to spend another couple of hours dissecting the conversation and in the end, because of my error, I actually had to apologize as well.

There are critical moments in my day when I know that what I choose to say, how I choose to say it, and even how long I pause in between phrases will communicate love or judgement. The Lord definitely cares about our speech. Ultimately we cannot truly communicate love without the grace of God. 

Simplicity

From a very young age, I have been taught that "things" don't matter. But I constantly heard my mother complaining about money and bills and regularly heard her saying "We have no money". But we did. Things seemed scary financially all the time.

I was taught to save everything. My grandmother grew up during the great depression and her father had a severe anxiety disorder and wouldn't work the few jobs he could get, so she was among the most poor during the most desolate time our country has ever seen. She had one or two outfits and dirt floors, so she saved literally everything. Sometimes my great-grandmother would be petitioned by the only class of people more economically strained than her, the poorest of the poor African-Americans  in the community. She would part with rags, so that they could have something. I cannot fathom this kind of living, so I do not in any way blame my grandmother. That having been said, the fact of the matter is, that at this point there is no need for her to be saving in foil and plastic baggies, but she does. And she always will because of her upbringing. My mother adopted these behaviors and I have made a lot of progress in simplifying my life by not hoarding every little thing.

My struggle has been in the purchasing of items. In a culture where nearly everything is purchases on credit, it is very easy to slip into the "bill-me-later" mentality.
I have fasted shopping, and simplified even more in order to conquer compulsive shopping tendencies. I feel that I have made a lot of headway in that area as well.
Currently my biggest challenge to living in the most free way possible is the pressures of fashion.

I have a lot of fear of man in this area. I feel that if I don't wear clothes that both flatter my body and express that I know what current fashions are and know which work the best for me, that I will come off as less intelligent or socially acceptable. Or, lets just say it, less pretty.

I used to be very carefree in this area. I wore tee shirt and shorts everyday with the same pair of sneakers, threw a bandanna in my hair and I was ready to go. No makeup, no sweaters, scarves, or jewelry... I was also 12 years old.

Things have changed since then, but not totally for the worse. I have greatly enjoyed getting in touch with my feminine side through experimenting with various colors, textures, accessories, skirts, dresses, and blouses. The way I dress has become a great creative outlet for me. and something that I can find delight and pleasure in planning and wearing. There is a fine line between selfish indulgence, and expression through fashion. I also know that it can be intimidating for some individuals who are not so fashionably enclined, when they meet somone who is. The last thing I want is to make someone feel that I am better than they are because of how I dress. A rule of thumb I use that helps me feel freedom in fashion is that I can do without anything. As much as I scrutinize and shop for every article of clothing or accessory, I also freely give away all that I have. I am constantly filling bags for the salvation army or welcoming friends to help themselves to my wardrobe. I almost never say no when a friend expresses interest in borrowing or keeping an article of clothing or jewelry. I often when complimented on something will say "You like it? Do you want it?". I think it's important to freely give in this way.

Ways in which I can improve: online shopping makes me feel like I need more than I actually do, and I tend to begin to think about buying certain items in moments when I wish my thoughts weren't dwelling on such things. So this has to do. I actually don't do it that much anymore, but I don't really need to do it at all.

Buying items that I will wear frequently, until they are worn out, would be good for me. This would be a refreshing change in the "disposable clothing" mentality I often fight.

I need to give less power to designers. Gucci and Prada should not be a part of my thoughts throughout the day. Enough of that!

I need to stop striving for an income and would be suitable to higher end items. I will not be pursuing a career for my ability to shop nor will I be working towards a degree for a label on a handbag. I need to die to the idea that I am worthy of a great income. The truth is God will provide all that I need and more. He will give me the desires of my heart. 

Remembering

I felt excited for John to come and see me every time I expected him. The anticipation was like nothing I had ever experienced before.

I waited for him by the door. I tried to play it like I was calm and collected but my insides were dancing, I felt like I could do anything as I waited by the window.

He made me feel like I was the most special woman in the world. Girl. I was a girl.
If I played the part, he responded. I was the pretty young girl waiting for my guy. I was full of laugher and smiles, I never complained or stated my opinion. I was there for sex. I was there for him. I was there to be someone who didn't exist.

I learned to dissapear through pretending to be what the man I was seeing wanted me to be. He was happy and I was glad I didn't have to be myself. I was accepted and loved as this other women. Talk about performing!

Fog

Every so often I begin to feel a deep sorrow. It begins in the back of my head and slowly floods my body until I feel weak and defeated. I begin to have "What if..." thoughts and "I'm afraid of..." thoughts.
Some people feel this way all of the time and call it depression. I only feel this way every so often, and I call it mourning. If I categorize it as something biblical, then when I feel sad I don't also have to feel guilty about feeling sad (which is altogether exhausting and overwhelming).

Even now I am coming up with reasons why I feel sad. I didn't go to church to worship as many times as I "should have" this week. I have depleted my spiritual bank of blessing. Or perhaps God doesn't feel lobed by me because I haven't been praying "I love you" prayers as much.  That is rediculous. I'm confident that I don't have the power to make God feel anything bad. Or do I?

In these dark hours, I want so badly to indulge. To drink, smoke, and make love. To be with those who also indulge and will take me with them. Rebelling feels so tempting, and holds the promises of what I currently lack.

Performance

Just when I thought I was doing great, I read the performance chapter in "Transforming the Inner Man". I'm only part way through, and I am hurt, and feeling like the biggest faker ever. I also feel that I have been serving Satan a bit more than I am okay with. 


When I was small I remember hearing. "Don't be such a sour puss" or "If you can't smile, leave the table" . I also remember having a bad time on a family vacation or day trip and my mom would tell me later that I had a great time, because I smiled. I was faking it! I was smiling because if I didn't she would treat me differently. I was not allowed to be dissatisfied or upset as a child because that's not what "we do". Now when I'm having a bad time, I pretend like I'm having a good time, and sometimes I confuse myself in the process of all of this hiding and lying. 


If I am not doing better than I feel I "should" now in school, musically, physically, emotionally, spiritually, or inter personally. I feel like I'm not loved. I also feel that it is my own fault that I don't feel loved. 


If I dropped out of school tomorrow, I would receive far less affection from my family than I do now. The love I feel from my family is contingent on where I go to school, how well I do, how low my weight is, and whether or not I get married. This sucks. I also tend to feel that I must earn all of these things. Which, God has clearly spoken to me about on many occasions. He has said "I am in charge". "You are not going to earn a husband". He has also made me promises in all of these areas. But I feel that if He changed his mind in blessing me, or I stopped trying as hard, that I would lose love and security. This viewpoint maybe reinforced by the culture... people who are thin, educated, and married seem to be the happiest to me. Or perhaps I see that because those are what I hold in high esteem. This is overwhelming and confusing.