My Spirit Must Speak

This is a freewrite for my spirit...

          ~there is a stirring in me. everything is changing. my hopes are strong, and my feet are firm. the past is coming into a clearing, where it will be butchered, and laid upon the alter of the Lord. I have put to death what those who have come before me could not. I have said yes, where my generations have said no. There will be no more foot hold. The strong ways of the enemy have been weaked by my faith. God is my rock. He makes me still to listen. He puts a fire in my belly and rivers flow from my mouth. 

All day long the songs of the Lord, Most, High, are in my spirit. They flow out in abundance. I obey Him. I obey God, He will deliver me. He is faithful. The fools who lie in the street, and make their houses in the city of sin and  greed, are falling now quickly. The justice of my God is at hand. he will bring swift release to the meek and the poor. He is coming, He is coming. We are like the weeds, like the grass that fades. Soon will be the day when God raises us from these low places. He will set me free! I know this:

The battle is fought, and it is won.

I must claim the victory.

I must step into the truth that His ways have won.

He has fought for me. Like a husband for his beloved bride.

I will find my rest in this thought.

Gratfully I bless the Lord. I ask for his ways to increase. I give my life for naught, if I cannot dwell in my father's house. He has raised my heart, and lifted me up.

Full of mercy, my father waited patiently for me.

Full of love he sat with me in the darkness and paid the ransom for my evil ways. Inherited or taken up for the first time, the wickedness was written in my name. 

Now there is no trace of it.

As far as the heavens from the earth. Deeper than the ocean, far as far can be, to it's essence. He knows not who I was. But he sees me now, as the rightfully true daughter. I belong to the Lord, I am his. He sought me. He dwelt with my darkness in the grave, 

In the wilderness I ached and shook,

 He held me in his arms and interceded for me

My pain was his wound

My wrong was his blood

My ache was his death

My life is his 

My joy belongs to the Lord

Be cried out it is finished. 

The enemy fell at my feet. Armies that had been welcomed at every side. Whereever I turned my head, felt hopeless and overwhelmed. But at the moment he died... These few... these weak creatures of the earth fell at my feet. The fear was washed away like the sand on the shore. As swift as it came, so it ceased to exist. 

My battle is won. 

At school, when I have tests, and pressure to perform. When balance seems impossible.

At home, with the anger, and sorrow, with constant pain, and exhaustion. The battle is won.

In my head, with temptations, and frustrations, the battle is won

beneath the core of what I know, and when I worry and tremble. The battle is won.

This truth is the freedom from all stress, worry, and fear

It is the release of the gift God provides to increase joy, peace, and the ability to give and recieve love. How lucky am I ? How blessed? to know these ways, and these secrets. 

Thank you to my God, most high. The wisest above all men. You take me away.

Great are the ways of the Lord, and worthy of my praise. He is my maker, and my husband. ~

Guidance

I need more accountability and Guidance in my life. I'm grateful that the Leadership school includes a mentor component.

I've been asking the Lord to continue putting people in my life who can minister to me, as well as accept my prayers and support. He's been placing people in my path. It's been great.

My first meeting with my mentor is tomorrow. I can't wait!

A Time to Speak and A Time to Be Silent

It makes a lot of sense that we cannot always help others. The text put into words what I have felt only emotionally about coming to the aid of others who are struggling with sin. How can I be filled with compassion and understanding if I have no point of reference and do not understand? There is little more offensive than someone coming alongside you to tell you what you are doing is wrong, when they have no idea how you struggle, or that you struggle!

This truth also takes much of the pressure off. It simply isn't my job to be concerned with the sins of others that do not concern me. Where I have no reference to offer, no victory to share, no experience to go off of, I am probably not called to call out.

If more Christians did this, we just might rid ourselves of the reputation of judging and living as hypocrites.

Standing Correction

I really appreciated the clear cut instructions on what we are to do when another sees it as their place to give us instruction, correction, or suggestion.
1. Be Gentle... this is huge! Our first reaction is to clam up and yell. Or completely shut down and get angry. I have trouble just being cognizant of my face when someone is saying something that could moderately be interpreted as offensive. We want so badly to disagree, to shout aloud, "You are wrong!", the very last instinct is to be gentle, and approachable, and to listen.
2. Agree... Agreement is a powerful tool in any situation, and I think almost the needed step to controlling behavior and later instinct when facing criticism.
3.Gratitude... thanking someone for criticism... extraordinary... I don't need to expound.
4. Asking for prayer... Icing on the humble cake of this whole interaction, in the face of hurt or pain of what must be changed.

I think I will have to practice implementing these one by one. All at once seems a bit overwhelming. 

Bitter Roots

I have worked for many years at spotting, digging up, and dealing with bitter roots. My disatisfaction with the fruits in my life has been all the incentive I need to completely release and chase after freedom by not only giving up comfort and forgiving and repenting, but running after find new places constantly for which I can be healed and forgive. I am so hungry for more, all of the time.
Currently I have been praying about my relationship with my mother, and the Lord has shown me many ways in which I have been extremely judgmental towards her. It astonishes me that no matter how long I am in the business of forgiving and repenting of judgement against those I love, I almost daily become aware of another disgusting way I have been judging, nearly daily. I think to myself "I can't believe I thought that. Yuck!" Yet tomorrow there is another one. I look forward to the day when I search my heart, and there is a lack of "yuck".

One way that such a heightened awareness of bitter roots can harm is that I see them in others and want to 'diagnose'. I am constantly testing my abilities to connect the dots between childhood wounding and current life problems, that I get bored with just my own, and turn my eye to my mother, brother, sister, grandfather, etc... I never say these thoughts aloud, thank God! But, I do think, "O, that's why you act angry when I say that. You didn't feel loved by so and so..." I think it's a good skill to have, but I think it's a dangerous sort of information to have about others. It can lead to more judgement if I'm not careful.

I find it remarkable how many people are totally unaware of the bitter roots that govern the pain in their lives. Further, those who are capable of knowing, and in some cases do know, choose not to deal with these places. Fear drives them back to their lives of pain and frustration. I wish there were a way to make all of this more appealing, and create a safer more loving way to usher the masses into freedom. I guess the problem is it's a heart level exchange, and when your heart is hard, there is little an outsider can do, but pray.

Confession

Confession is one aspect of my faith that I have always highly valued. I have personally experienced a lot of freedom through confessing my sins to a trusted few. The true life that forgiveness brings can only be found in its fullness through confession of sins to others. This is a sort of accountability. I need more accountability in my life. I need more strong men and women who will call me up instead of the reverse. It seems I am constantly ministering to others, which I love, but I need to be invested in and held accountable, as much as I can invest and hold others accountable.

The release of forgiveness to ourselves, God, and others is perhaps the single most freedom giving task gifted to humanity. Nothing in my life has bound me more or tighter than the forgiveness of sins.
The redemption found in living in a place of forgiveness when I have wronged another is a deep blessing. A river of love stirs up in my heart at the thought of such things.

Struggle and Strife

Well it has become abundantly clear that I can no longer indulge my performance oriented behavoirs and succeed in all that I am doing... My compulsive need to sit with sticky notes, highlighters, and a pen while reading has seen its last days. I now limit myself to one highlighter. The need to do everything to the very best of my ability, thoroughly, and "right" is slowly being put to death in me. The requirements to complete good works do not include completion void of all other tasks. There will always be something I can do to improve performance, that doesn't mean I need to implement it.